What happens when I stop trying to fix myself?

I had the idea for My Consciousness Project back in 2011, after reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, a book that got me thinking about what truly makes me happy. I considered starting my own happiness experiment—but realized, upon reflection, that I was already, thankfully, a pretty happy person.

What I was really starting to question, it turned out, wasn’t my level of happiness.

It was my level of consciousness—my sense of connection to something larger.

After a couple of scary back-to-back health issues, I started to wonder if the universe was trying to teach me something. And, if so, was I somehow missing the lesson? Was there a bigger picture I just wasn’t tuned into?

I began reading about the mind-body-spirit connection and exploring a few alternative healing methods. But interestingly, when I tried talking to my friends about what I was learning, some of them would roll their eyes—Oh, you’re into that?—or their gaze would drift away and the subject would change.

At first, I thought my “project” might be about sharing what I was learning in a way that could make those eye-rollers a little more curious. But I never got it off the ground. For some reason, I just couldn’t put pen to paper.

In hindsight, it seems pretty obvious why—the idea was more about changing other people than changing myself. Funny how the universe works.

Shortly after the 2011 tsunami in Japan—an event that really shook me—I came across a quote by Daisaku Ikeda, a Buddhist philosopher, and something in me clicked. Ikeda wrote:

“A great inner revolution in just a single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of an entire society and, further, will cause a change in the destiny of humankind.”

I remember thinking: Could that really be true? Could someone like me—an ordinary, everyday person—spark an inner revolution that might help the world be a better place?

And if so…how?

Not quite sure where to begin, I went searching online and found a list called 100 Ways to Become More Conscious. And just like that—My Consciousness Project was born.

My plan was simple: I would go down the list one by one, try each suggestion for a week (or so), and write about what happened.

I started out strong in the beginning. But over time, weekly writing turned into writing every two weeks…then every month…then every six months…until eventually life, as life can do, got in the way and I stopped writing completely.

Then my mom died.

And suddenly I was writing again—but not to raise my consciousness. Putting my grief into words helped fill the enormous void she left behind, and was unexpectedly healing. So healing, in fact, that I ended up writing a whole book—a memoir called Losing Mom—which I’m about to put out into the world.

Now that I’m writing again, I want to keep writing. And recently I’ve been hearing a small, niggly voice telling me, rather insistently, that it’s time to return to My Consciousness Project.

But as I consider picking up where I left off, I find myself hesitating. Do I really want to go back and finish that list of ways to raise my consciousness?

I’ve spent years trying to improve myself—through books and webinars, supplements and yoga, meditation and energy work—you name it, I’ve probably tried it. Being a fixer by nature, I assumed the more tools I added to my spiritual toolbox, the better my life would be. The better I would be.

But the truth is—I’m exhausted.

Exhausted from trying to fix what might not need fixing. Exhausted from always reaching for the next idea, the next tool, the next way to do it better. To do me better.

Maybe I’ve been trying too hard. Maybe what I’ve been looking for isn’t outside of me, but within me. Maybe it’s been there all along, and I’ve simply lost sight of it—buried beneath all the layers of spiritual clutter I’ve collected over the years.

So, I’m going to do something different—I’m going to try not to try. At least when it comes to self-improvement. From here on, no new books, courses, practices, or tools. No lists to complete. No new supplements to take. No pressure to be anything more than I am.

It won’t be easy. If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I’m an easy mark for all the health and spiritual gurus out there. My inbox and social media ads are full of their promises: Want to feel better? Take this! More abundance? Do this! More clarity? Practice this!

And even though I know I should ignore them, there’s still a little voice whispering: Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the magic button you’ve been searching for. Just try it and see!

I have no idea how this experiment will go. I imagine there will be some friction between the me who doesn’t believe I’m enough, and the me that’s starting to wonder if maybe I am.

Perhaps that’s the ‘inner revolution’ Ikeda is talking about—not a battle between right and wrong, or good and bad—but between trust and doubt.

Trust that I already have everything I need.

Doubt that it’s enough.

I’m excited about this new direction for My Consciousness Project—I can almost feel my nervous system breathing a big sigh of relief at the prospect of not trying.

And I’m also curious. I wonder what will happen when I stop trying so hard to be better, and simply allow my ordinary, everyday self to, well…just be?

---

Thank you for being here—then, and now.

I’m continuing My Consciousness Project over on Substack, where I’ll be sharing monthly essays and occasional short notes. I’d love to have you join me there.