Life

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My Consciousness Project – Trying Not To Try

What happens when I stop trying to fix myself?

I had the idea for My Consciousness Project back in 2011, after reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, a book that got me thinking about what truly makes me happy. I considered starting my own happiness experiment—but realized, upon reflection, that I was already, thankfully, a pretty happy person.

What I was really starting to question, it turned out, wasn’t my level of happiness.

It was my level of consciousness—my sense of connection to something larger.

After a couple of scary back-to-back health issues, I started to wonder if the universe was trying to teach me something. And, if so, was I somehow missing the lesson? Was there a bigger picture I just wasn’t tuned into?

I began reading about the mind-body-spirit connection and exploring a few alternative healing methods. But interestingly, when I tried talking to my friends about what I was learning, some of them would roll their eyes—Oh, you’re into that?—or their gaze would drift away and the subject would change.

At first, I thought my “project” might be about sharing what I was learning in a way that could make those eye-rollers a little more curious. But I never got it off the ground. For some reason, I just couldn’t put pen to paper.

In hindsight, it seems pretty obvious why—the idea was more about changing other people than changing myself. Funny how the universe works.

Shortly after the 2011 tsunami in Japan—an event that really shook me—I came across a quote by Daisaku Ikeda, a Buddhist philosopher, and something in me clicked. Ikeda wrote:

“A great inner revolution in just a single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of an entire society and, further, will cause a change in the destiny of humankind.”

I remember thinking: Could that really be true? Could someone like me—an ordinary, everyday person—spark an inner revolution that might help the world be a better place?

And if so…how?

Not quite sure where to begin, I went searching online and found a list called 100 Ways to Become More Conscious. And just like that—My Consciousness Project was born.

My plan was simple: I would go down the list one by one, try each suggestion for a week (or so), and write about what happened.

I started out strong in the beginning. But over time, weekly writing turned into writing every two weeks…then every month…then every six months…until eventually life, as life can do, got in the way and I stopped writing completely.

Then my mom died.

And suddenly I was writing again—but not to raise my consciousness. Putting my grief into words helped fill the enormous void she left behind, and was unexpectedly healing. So healing, in fact, that I ended up writing a whole book—a memoir called Losing Mom—which I’m about to put out into the world.

Now that I’m writing again, I want to keep writing. And recently I’ve been hearing a small, niggly voice telling me, rather insistently, that it’s time to return to My Consciousness Project.

But as I consider picking up where I left off, I find myself hesitating. Do I really want to go back and finish that list of ways to raise my consciousness?

I’ve spent years trying to improve myself—through books and webinars, supplements and yoga, meditation and energy work—you name it, I’ve probably tried it. Being a fixer by nature, I assumed the more tools I added to my spiritual toolbox, the better my life would be. The better I would be.

But the truth is—I’m exhausted.

Exhausted from trying to fix what might not need fixing. Exhausted from always reaching for the next idea, the next tool, the next way to do it better. To do me better.

Maybe I’ve been trying too hard. Maybe what I’ve been looking for isn’t outside of me, but within me. Maybe it’s been there all along, and I’ve simply lost sight of it—buried beneath all the layers of spiritual clutter I’ve collected over the years.

So, I’m going to do something different—I’m going to try not to try. At least when it comes to self-improvement. From here on, no new books, courses, practices, or tools. No lists to complete. No new supplements to take. No pressure to be anything more than I am.

It won’t be easy. If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I’m an easy mark for all the health and spiritual gurus out there. My inbox and social media ads are full of their promises: Want to feel better? Take this! More abundance? Do this! More clarity? Practice this!

And even though I know I should ignore them, there’s still a little voice whispering: Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the magic button you’ve been searching for. Just try it and see!

I have no idea how this experiment will go. I imagine there will be some friction between the me who doesn’t believe I’m enough, and the me that’s starting to wonder if maybe I am.

Perhaps that’s the ‘inner revolution’ Ikeda is talking about—not a battle between right and wrong, or good and bad—but between trust and doubt.

Trust that I already have everything I need.

Doubt that it’s enough.

I’m excited about this new direction for My Consciousness Project—I can almost feel my nervous system breathing a big sigh of relief at the prospect of not trying.

And I’m also curious. I wonder what will happen when I stop trying so hard to be better, and simply allow my ordinary, everyday self to, well…just be?

Thank you for being here—then, and now.

I’m continuing My Consciousness Project over on Substack, where I’ll be sharing monthly essays and occasional short notes. I’d love to have you join me there.

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WEEK 15: Befriend Like-Minded Individuals

“Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” ~ C.S. Lewis

Well, I guess when I started my project back in March I should have given a little more thought to how I would keep up with it during the summer, since I am away (and unplugged) for a lot of it. So rather than spend my vacation fretting about how far behind I was getting, I decided to simply add another guideline to my list:

Number 11: Don’t take myself too seriously – it’s just a blog!

So, in the spirit of that guideline, I enjoyed a very relaxing summer, and now I’m ready to pick up where I left off back in July…Week 15: Befriend Like-Minded Individuals.

I’m pretty sure that if I had actually given any thought beforehand to how I was going to go about finding a ‘like-minded individual’ to befriend, I might have panicked a little bit. I mean, it’s not like meeting new friends is the easiest thing to do, like-minded or not. Luckily, though, I didn’t have to think about it. It was almost as though someone led me on a treasure hunt, and the prize at the end was the perfect ‘like-minded individual’!

What’s amazing though, especially in hindsight, is how easily I could have not met this person, because a lot of the decisions I made along the way were pretty out of character for me. I’m not sure if it was fate, or the universe, or just dumb luck that led me down the right path, but I am incredibly grateful that something kept pointing me in the right direction. Otherwise, I might still be out there looking for a like-minded person, and be even further behind than I already am!

So here’s what happened:

A friend read my blog on Facebook and thought I might be interested in going to hear Gabrielle Bernstein, a young spiritual author, speak at a local playhouse. Now, I don’t usually like to go out during the week if I can help it, so it would have been much more like me not to make the effort. But for some reason I went. That was Not-Like-Me-At-All Decision #1

When we got to the event, some vendors were set up in the lobby, and there was a long line in front of one of them. When I found out that everyone was waiting for a free ‘angel reading’ I was pretty intrigued, so I got in line. That was Not-Like-Me-At-All Decision #2, because I really hate standing in long lines.

The reading itself was brief, but amazingly accurate given the circumstances, and so I took one of her cards, thinking an ‘Angel Reader’ might come in handy when I got to #70 on my Official List: Connect with Your Spirit Guides. So a couple of days later I checked out her website, and ended up sending her an email to get a few more details about what she did. At the last-minute, I decided to include a little bit about my project, and added the link to my blog. Now, I have to tell you, I have never shared my blog with anyone I haven’t met before, so this was definitely Not-Like-Me-At-All Decision #3.

We started a little email exchange and she suggested that maybe we could meet for coffee sometime and talk more about my project. I was so excited…someone I didn’t even know actually liked my blog! So I sent her a quick reply saying that I was getting ready to leave on vacation, but I would love to have coffee as soon as I got back. I had no sooner pushed the send button, though, than I turned the page on my calendar and saw that my next week’s ‘assignment’ was to ‘Befriend Like-Minded Individuals’! It seemed too good to be true!

So, at the risk of her thinking I was completely nuts, I quickly sent another email asking if she would possibly help me out by being my like-minded friend for a week, and she agreed to get together before I left. Now, for some people, meeting with a complete stranger may be no big deal, but for me it is just not something I do every day. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d never done anything like it before…so Not-Like-Me-At-All Decision #4!

We met a couple of days later, and luckily, despite my worry that it might be totally awkward, it was just really, really fun. Talking to someone who is on the same path is so energizing – especially when that someone is a little further along that path. I felt like I’d known her forever! And believe it or not, even though she and I had never really met, I actually knew her husband. In fact, I was going to be seeing him later that morning! It really can be a crazy, small world, can’t it?

Of course, I’m sure there are people out there who might read this and say that it was all just coincidence, and that I am making way too much out of what happened. But the week after all of this took place, I randomly picked up a book called The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield, and to my utter amazement the whole first chapter was about experiences such as mine. According to Redfield:

“…these coincidences are happening more and more frequently and, when they do, they strike us as beyond what would be expected by pure chance. They feel destined, as though our lives had been guided by some unexplained force. The experience induces a feeling of mystery and excitement and, as a result, we feel more alive.”

Redfield refers to such experiences as ‘meaningful coincidences’ that lead one in a particular direction, and he believes they happen a lot more often than we realize. We just miss recognizing them because we are moving so fast through our lives. Perhaps if we could slow down and take ourselves off autopilot once in a while, we would notice more often when we actually have a choice to make that could point us in the right direction.

Looking back on all of the ‘coincidences’ that led me to my new like-minded friend last week, I have to say that the experience left me with an incredible sense of possibility. That if I would just step out of my comfort zone a little more often, and perhaps try some new ways of thinking (and doing), it would be much more possible for me to experience the limitless opportunities (and friends!) that are out there, waiting for me to find them.

I just need to slow down so I’ll notice the clues.